File Buz

Outdoor Toys of the 80s and 90s

If youre a regular reader, it should be pretty clear your loyal 90s nostalgia chronicler has a serious case of summer fever. As we close in on Memorial Day weekend, the prospect of summertime fun is almost too much to bear. Granted, I dont have any water balloon fights or Jart tournaments scheduled, but the notion of sunshine and the great outdoors still elicits a childlike level of euphoria. For the record, my weekend is still open for Jart tournaments if youre interested in setting something up.

Its a safe bet to say we will never fully recapture that childhood schools-out-for-the-summer level of excitement; there is simply no adult equivalent to that level of anticipation. All the Moon Shoes in the world couldnt eliminate the grown-up stressors we face year round. Though, to be fair, I imagine it would help. Open reader plea: send Moon Shoes. That is all.

Though we may not be able to reignite the spark of summer vacation excitement, we can at least reminisce about some of the toys that made our summertimes so special. If youre lucky, maybe you still have some of these items lying around. Seriously, what I wouldnt do for a Skip-It right about now. Forget the gym membership--that little pink piece of plastic is way more motivating exercise.


Skip-It


Who could have foreseen that strapping a little plastic ball and chain to your ankle could provide hours of endless entertainment? That little progressive counter on the side tapped into the competitive child psyche, allowing us to compete against our friends and our own personal bests while playing quietly in the driveway. I imagine our parents were thrilled for the long-stretches of easily amused and generally exhausting play.


Rollerblades

Kids today may not believe it, but many of us were around for a time when rollerskates were still the gold standard in wheeled footwear. Inline skates were modeled after ice skates, intended for training use on dry land. Soon they were all the rage, a trend from which many of us learned the value of a deeply skinned knee. Regardless, rollerblades will forever be superior to todays alternative. Dont even get me started on those wheelie sneakers. Every time I see a kid rolling by me at the mall, I yearn to buy him a pair of rollerblades. They just dont know what theyre missing.


Moon Shoes


The advertisements for Nickelodeon moon shoes were everywhere, though I never actually knew anybody that owned a pair. Had I been better connected on the playground, perhaps I could have experienced the wonder of spring walking firsthand. Alas, I will never know the gravity-reduced wonder of moonwalking. Until that whole colonization thing goes down. Or maybe if I become a great Michael Jackson-style dancer. Either way.


Super Soakers


One of the most effective ways to beat the summer heat is with a water fight, and we all know the key to winning a water fight lies in the proper arsenal of weaponry. Armed with our Super Soakers, we could outblast flimsy conventional water guns. In case youre not big on Super Soaker trivia, you may be interested to know they were originally branded as Power Drenchers. Or maybe you wont be. Who knows. Either way, the toy makers obviously got their hands on a thesaurus somewhere down the line.


Power Wheels


These much-coveted but oft-denied overpriced mini vehicles undoubtedly caused many temper tantrums over the years. We just couldnt understand why our parents wouldnt shell out the big bucks for one of these babies. If only Id gotten the mock motorbike I wanted, I could be a bona fide Kawasaki ninja by now. At the very least, Id hold a chance at being a proficient Barbie Jeep operator.


Nerf Balls
Finally, a company that recognizes kids throw things at one another and it can really, really hurt. Through the clever use of foam, the quantity of bruises per square inch decreased dramatically. Getting hit in the face just got that much more bearable. Thanks, Nerf!


Little Tykes Cozy Coupe


Heres a fact you might not know about your favorite child-sized vehicle: In the early 90s, it was reported that the Cozy Coupe had outsold both the Ford Taurus and Honda Accord, making it one of the bestselling cars of the time. Its certainly more economical than a Taurus or Accord, plus it gets way better gas mileage. The downside? Sore feet from all the Flintstone-style acceleration. You cant win em all.


Lawn Darts (Jarts)


Ah, finally a toy that combines the tranquil peacefulness of lawns with the terrifying risk of death by impalement. Im not sure how or why these toys ever eked past the watchful eye of safety experts and parent groups, but somehow they made it into production and onto toy store shelves. It wasnt long before the US and Canada issued a ban on the sale of Lawn Darts and urged consumers to "discard or destroy them immediately." Yikes.


Slip nSlide


Speaking of dangerous yard toys, heres a classic example of how innocent concepts can go very very wrong. Ill give you a hint when setting up your own slip n slide: try your best to avoid cement or a downhill descent into a wall/sidewalk/pile of jagged rocks/any other bone breakin, tooth chippin slide stopper. It sounds like common sense, but you may be surprised how many people failed to consider the consequences until their child was hobbling around in a cast or sling for the remainder of the summer.

Also, note to college students: It may seem like a good idea to combine a slip n slide with alcohol. It is not. Believe me. Resist your instincts. Your limbs will thank me.

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Our Favorite 80s and 90s TV Puppet Pals

If theres one thing weve learned from TV, its that everything is cuter when a puppet does it. Its a fail-safe formula. A person performs a hackneyed visual gag and we all groan in agony, but an adorable puppet does it and we fall for it hook, line, and stinker.*

Its no mystery that children love puppets, but TV in the 80s and 90s proved that adults have a pretty solid puppet-loving capacity all their own. Puppets often make the best punchlines, giving them an automatic boost in likability in both kids and grown-up television programming. Plus, they never need a stunt double or act like a diva when it comes to contract renewal. Talk about cutting expenses.

Puppet-studded programs may not be the most highbrow fare on TV, but they have a unique style of entertaining us. They allow us to suspend our disbelief to a point where if we can believe this talking toy exists somewhere in real life, maybe all of the magical features that come along with it are possible, too. These 80s and 90s shows didnt need to be realistic or to feature deeply developed characters; we were perfectly content with our cartoonish, overdrawn cliches. So long as they kept feeding us hilarious puppet gag antics, we were more than happy to partake in spoonful after heaping spoonful.


Eureekas Castle


Eureekas Castle was a Nick Jr. gem, giving us a quirky, offbeat world of wizardry and goofy characters. The show revolved around sorceress trainee Eureeka, thickheaded dragon Magellan, peanut butter sandwich-gobbling twins Bogge and Quagmire, the visually impaired Batley, and the vaguely ethnic pushcart proprietor Mr. Knack. The characters were creative and imaginative in a way that bodes well for childrens programming. It may not have been highly educational, but it did teach me to fear claymation Slurms. Those things were weird.


Lambchops Play-Along



If theres one thing kids love more than puppets, its baby puppets. Have you ever seen a more adorable little sheeplet? When I grew up, I was horrified to find that "Lambchop" referred to a cut of meat. Slicing into it for the first time was pretty traumatic, though luckily there was no stuffing inside. That might have scarred me for life. As a device to distract myself from the lambchop chopping task at knife, I just hummed a few bars of "This is the Song that Never Ends." That seemed to do the trick.


Mystery Science Theater 3000



I think our buddy Joel at MST3K had the right idea. If youre stuck orbiting the earth sequestered on a spacecraft forced by the powers that be to watch n endless stream of B-movies, you should definitely use the spare theater equipment to build yourself some sentient robot pals. You should, of course, name them Gypsy, Cambot, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo. There are pretty much no other options.


Sesame Street



For many of us, this was our first major exposure to puppetry. Or, equally likely, our first exposure to platonic male puppet roommates who share a cookie crumb-ridden bed and know an awful lot about each others bathtime habits and carrier pigeon preferences. Either way, most of us fell for the cuddly Sesame Street characters, and hard. I mean, a monster who lives in a garbage can? Where do they come up with this stuff?


ALF


Alf Sings "Old Time Rock and Roll" - Click here for the most popular videos

Just when you thought noses couldnt get any more phallic looking than Joe Camels, you met Alf. And then, you knew. This was the be-all-end-all of vaguely suggestive schnozes. ALF stood for "Alien Life Form", which is how we kindly earth-folk classify floppy-looking brown masses who grew up on the Lower East Side of the planet Melmac. ALF definitely had his moments, but his appearance is just a little unsettling. It just feels inappropriate.


Dinosaurs



If after watching this show you cried out endlessly, "Im the baby! Gotta love me!" Im sure your parents were less than pleased with their decision to grant viewership privileges. The show wasnt really directed at kids; it was more of a family sitcom that happened to feature full-size puppet characters. By the time wed realized this, though, wed already moved on to gleefully smacking our fathers on their heads with a frying pan while screaming, "Not the mama! Not the mama!"


Muppets Tonight



There have been so many incarnations of The Muppets over the years its become difficult to differentiate between one series and another, but for the sake of 90s nostalgia well single out Muppets Tonight for brief examination. The show hinged pretty heavily on celebrity guest appearances and wasnt especially a standout in the long line of Muppet shows. I must say, though, the Baywatch parodies were worth a chuckle or two.


Fraggle Rock



That is some seriously rockin theme music. I probably havent seen this intro since 1992, yet somehow I find myself singing along with a surprisingly adept command of the lyrics. Its catchy, right? Its got that sparkly puppet charm sprinkled liberally throughout. Well done, Jim Henson studios. Well done, indeed.

Fraggle Rock managed to slip in a bunch of heavy issues while we were busy enjoying the musical numbers and highly colorful wardrobe selection. Some of us also spent a fair amount of time giggling over the fact that there was a Fraggle named Boober. I mean, Boober! Can you beat that?


Cousin Skeeter



Who knew a marionette could be such a bad-ass? It probably speaks volumes about my level of maturity that the theme songs phrase, "Skeeters what I want" amuses me in a slangy double-entendre kind of way. I dont think Ive advanced much in behavioral age since the days this show originally aired.


Unhappily Ever After


This show gave many of us an unquenchable desire to own a crass, wise-cracking stuffed rabbit. Mr. Floppy was just so adorable. His looks were, anyway. His personality could probably have used a bit of a tune-up to align with his cherubic appearance, but it all just contributed to his puppety charm.


Weinerville



If you had to pick the most terrifying mode of puppet, Id say human-head-on-tiny-puppet-body would fall pretty darn close to the top of the list. Weinerville was a Nickelodeon cartoon/live-action variety show based on the comedic stylings of Marc Weiner. The characters were undeniably creative, but they still seem a little creepy to me. Add cross-dressing to the giant head/tiny puppet body mix and be prepared for the wrath of Weinerville.


Whatever the reason, puppets had a hold on us. Maybe we just dont watch enough Nick Jr. anymore, but the proportion of puppets in prime-time programming seems to have persistently plummeted. Its too bad, really. A lot of todays shows could probably use a good puppet boost. Just think: if this weekends Oscars had used puppet presenters, wed have been far more likely to push through to the bitter end. Just a thought.




*This is not a typo, its just a terrible, terrible play on words. Had I been a puppet, you would have been all over that one

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Number One Hits of the 90s 1994 Edition

Welcome to a brand new feature here at Children of the 90s. Weve spent a lot of time looking at one-hit wonders, but what about those lucky few who may have gone on to sell more records? Multiple-hit wonders deserve 90s love too. If youre going to use these lists as fodder for worthy iTunes 90s playlists, you should probably have some variety. I wouldnt want all your friends thinking youre only into fleetingly popular musicians, now, would I?

So, with the readers best interests at heart (you know, like always) I present the new Top Charting Hits feature. Heres your chance to reminisce at the ridiculous songs we loved so dearly that we sent them soaring to the top of the Billboard top 100 charts.

This list should hopefully bring forth since-repressed memories of traumatic school dances, Bar Mitzvah party slow dance fiascos, and haunt-you-for-life level embarrassing talent show performances. If youre brave, feel free to share yours in the comments section of this post. Here, to make you feel more comfortable, Ill get this party started: a DJ played "Ill Make Love to You" at probably every middle school dance I ever attended. Not only was it totally inappropriate, but it was also comically unfit for our preferred method of slow dancing: arms extended straight to ensure maximum distance between us and our partner of the opposite sex. Perhaps they should have recorded a junior high dance version entitled, "Ill Make Love to You...From a Distance."


Hero (Mariah Carey)



Geez, Mariah Carey has been pumping out top-charting hits for over 15 years now. No wonder she feels she has license to marry desirable younger men and dress in lavishly diva-esque outfits: shes earned that right. Im pretty sure we sang this song in our 7th grade chorus, but our arrangement undoubtedly did no justice to the belt-it-out singers version. The song might have highlighted our inner strength, but it also brought forth our outer vocal weakness. Sorry, Mariah. You deserved better.


All for Love (Sting/Brian Adams/Rod Stewart)



It takes a special occasion to bring together a group of prominent artists. You know, like recording a track The Three Musketeers movie soundtrack. That was the case with Sting, Rod Stewart, and Brian Adams hit single "All for Love." Maybe they just all happened to have a lot of free time that weekend. To their credit, the song is much better than the movie.


The Power of Love (Celine Dion)



Celine Dion had quite a thing going in the 90s. This song was a major international hit, cementing Dions position as a global superstar. The song is actually a cover of a 1985 Jennifer Rush song. Rushs original version charted well outside the US, but the song was unfamiliar to wide American audiences. Like the song, Celine Dion was similarly lesser known amongst American music listeners, so it was a good fit.


The Sign (Ace of Base)



Admittedly, a video like this would get laughed out of a music vid countdown these days. Its just so heavy on the over-the-top slow motion, super-imposing special effects. Luckily, they dont really show music videos on TV much anymore, so its sort of a moot point.

Ace of Base were some of the foremost artists of the wave of mid-90s Europop hits. "The Sign" is undeniably catchy, repetitive, and it has a beat you can dance to. Well, a beat you can dance to using signature 90s moves. It might not jive so well with the dance styles most popular on todays club scene, but in the 90s it was a near-perfect fit.

Of course, some of you may also remember this classic Full House cover version by Steph, Gia and friends. I must say, it is totally necessary for them to have that many instruments in their ensemble.




Stay (I Missed You) (Lisa Loeb)



Its a rare accomplishment to hear your hit single on the radio without even procuring a record deal, but Lisa Loeb achieved just that with her 1994 release "Stay (I Missed You)". The song gained popularity from its position on the much-hyped Reality Bites movie soundtrack. Lisa Loeb has a certain likability; she just seems nice. Maybe its her glasses. That said, Loeb is probably responsible for hundreds of sexy librarian fantasies amongst boys coming of age in the 90s.


Bump n Grind (R Kelly)



Back in the days before R. Kelly found himself entrenched in lawsuits and scandals, he was putting out solid number one hits like this one. Okay, so "solid" is pretty open to interpretation, but lets just all agree the album falls more clearly into that defined category than gaseous or liquid. His moves in this video are pure 90s slow jam, by the way. Classic performance stance, plus we get some bonus zoom moments on our video girls in their spelunking hard hats. If thats not sexy, I dont know what is.


Ill Make Love to You (Boyz II Men)



This platinum-selling single held the top spot on the Billboard charts for a then-record 14 weeks. It was wildly popular at the time, and, as I mentioned above, often awkwardly played in adolescent slow dance/slow roller skate-type situations. Just imagine the sheer number of people who have played this song during their most intimate moments--Boyz II Men probably deserves some form of honorable mention from cheesy music-loving men everywhere for sufficiently setting the mood.


I Swear (All 4 One)



All 4 One proved that Boyz II Men hadnt cornered the market on harmony-rich R&B male vocal groups. "I Swear" was their only major hit, but it made an indelible impact. There are few of us 90s kids out there who couldnt immediately fill-in-the-blanks for the lyrics following the "I swear..." lead in. In case you cant, its "By the moon and the stars in the sky." Just for the record.


Here Comes the Hotstepper (Ini Kamoze)



I was pretty sure Id never heard of this song until I listened to it and realized I knew it well, but had no idea the words were "Here comes the hotstepper, murderer." It always sounded to me more like "Here comes mmm mmm mmm mmm, turn it up!" It was Kamozes sole number one hit in the US, but he definitely made his mark. Who can resist singing along to that "Na, na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na, na na na na" part? Yes, I counted those out, and yes, my count might be wrong. Deal with it.


On Bended Knee (Boyz II Men)



Boyz II Men were just about everywhere in the 90s. We were all suckers for well-arranged harmony, which explains for the explosion in boy bands in the later part of the decade. The Boyz were kings of the ballad during this time, cranking out slow jam after slow jam for our easy listening pleasure. "On Bended Knee" ascended to number one in December of 1994, reinforcing the bands popularity by reaching the milestone of replacing their own number one song (previously "Ill Make Love to You") with a new number one song. Boyz II Men is one of only a few acts to achieve this feat; the preceding benchmark-holders were The Beatles. Impressive stuff.


So, there you have it: the number one hits of 1994. Some are worth remembering, while others yet we may sooner wish to wipe from our memories entirely. One thing is for sure: at least one of these songs should embed itself somewhere deep within the fiber of your skull and play itself on incessant repeat until you can bear no more. Its just the way of catchy 90s singles. Youll thank me for the memories just as soon as you can extricate those pounding beats from your cerebral cortex.

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